Youseful

your purpose is to live your life

Before we begin I want to set a few things up:

1. Useful: able to be used for a practical purpose or in several ways.

"aspirin is useful for headaches"

2. Children’s media, in general, has a special place in my heart. So much can be taught through the innocence of play and storytelling.

3. It’s taken me so long to be real about my feelings, so I cannot and will not apologize for what I say or how I feel.

   

The last two weeks I feel like I’ve been tasked to sit back and notice how I feel. I mean how I really feel. I concluded that for 2025 I can no longer prove that I am good and worth it. That I am useful. I have to be myself, fully and sometimes that includes, being selfish. It means that I have to focus on how I feel in my body, at this very moment, when I’m doing whatever the thing may be. I cannot shy away from what hurts, confuses, or excites me. I have to be aware.

My usefulness is not to be confused with love or anything other than what it is—being useful and I am more than that.

I take great pride in knowing that people can count on me, its kinda my thing. I can always be there to listen, support, problem-solve, and be useful. It’s taken me until now to realize that being useful is no longer what I want to be. I can be more of myself if I don’t spend my time being useful. I can recognize what is really for me if I don’t spend my time being useful. I can do what I really need to do if I don’t spend my time being useful. It is my responsibility to change what no longer works.

I want to be loved, seen, heard, and cared for. I want people to recognize me in themselves. I want them to see my humanity. I want to have a community of like-minded people exchanging ideas. I have feelings and I can be soft. I don’t want to be relegated as an emotionless machine. I don’t want to carry it well. I want to ask for help and actually receive it. I want to know that my vulnerability won’t be used as amo, that it is safe to be myself. I want to know that I am fully wanted, just as I am, without changing or constantly improving. I want to know that I am not disposable if we do not see eye to eye. I want to know that I can be taught to understand you as I teach you to understand me. I want to know patience and empathy aren’t something I have to beg for.

I’ve been trying to find my purpose and show my usefulness for what seems like forever and it’s just starting to hit me again, my purpose is to live my life.

This leads me to point two, and my love for children’s media. I was recently rewatching the movie Soul, as I was finishing up some work. For those who haven’t seen it, yet *wink, wink* Soul is about “Joe a middle-school band teacher whose life hasn't quite gone the way he expected. His true passion is jazz -- and he's good. But when he travels to another realm to help someone find their passion, he soon discovers what it means to have a soul.” (Google)

(keilanigraham on letterboxd)

After watching I found myself thinking, as I always do, about what my purpose is. As an INFJ, middle child, and only girl, I loveeeeeeeee to help. Or so I thought. Lately, I’ve been at a point of burnout I’ve never experienced before. I’ve had to slow down a bit and sit with the feelings. And don’t get me wrong, I do love to offer support and be helpful, but I also bring more than that. I want more than that. If I cannot accept that I deserve a full life just as other people do then I will be relegated to this role of being useful forever. And that is not something I want.

I am brave, I am enough now as I am to live the life I want.

your spark isn’t your purpose. your purpose isn’t to do what others want you to do. you are more than what you can do for others. you have to live your life and be free because you are here now <3